Tag Archives: Weight-loss

Weight-Loss Journey

Losing weight is a top resolution for New Year and as most of us have experienced, our good intentions fade away as regular life takes over by the end of January. I have been there so many times. And what can one do besides adopting the same old standards as last year and pretending to be happy as it seems impossible to reach for an ideal outcome now. But don’t let failures stop you as giving up pursuing your goals is like never taking the first step to a journey that makes life an adventure. Do yourself a favor and remain confident that weight-loss or other feasible goals are achievable with the fitting tools and strategies. With that mindset, “where there is a will, there is a way”, I took many attempts of first steps and finally did accomplish my weight-loss goal!

My obesity started as a child. I was born fat and continued to get fatter for many reasons. To say the least, my childhood experience left me unfulfilled and thereof I would replace the missing emotional stimulation with food consumption as it offered variety and love that lacked in my world. Too did I not welcome the dismays and dysfunctions of society and my family. Their false standards pushed me to become rebellious just to refuse my compliance. In hindsight I know I was protecting myself. It took me many tries and failures to make it finally work. Almost 50 years to understand what had transpired, how the journey shaped me, and to finally achieve a comfortable weight. Having lived and experienced life as an overweight individual in this times has been quite tricky, painful, yet has enriched my life so much that I am now grateful for having had that experience in life to talk about. The wisdom gained for a hardship that I was destined to experience has been indeed a blessing in disguise. So never underestimate and dismiss the powers of your horrible experiences in life as they carry deep lessons that will make you a better person in life if you learn them to improve your game in life.

Without going into all the ugly details, my childhood upbringings led to more dysfunctional and frustrating life experiences. Years of agony caused me to balloon up to 360 pounds by age 30 . All my efforts to control my hunger or weight failed year after year. Life was getting to be unbearable with the consequences of experiencing it as an obese woman. No one really could understand nor feel the pain I was subjected to experience life in a fat-suit, specially in this narcissistic culture. I felt so alone and wanted to give up at times trying. At times my life was meaningless as the ugliness was overwhelmingly painful and I would feel worthless cause I didn’t fit in. We all pretend not to notice and at times even fail to acknowledge anyone’s existence besides our own. It’s in alignment with self-love that is being brainwashed, preached, and conditioned into us. And other times we do empathize with other people’s sufferings, yet refrain from caring cause being nosy or sticking one’s head in other people’s business is assessed as impolite. If we only take care of our own interests and are courteous and cordial, do we believe we are good. Anyone who questions that mindset, we chose to ignore and dismiss as it is unfitting. But I know that I know that it was wrong of all my surroundings to ignore my soul’s pain while growing up. As we know brain is not fully developed until age 25. All the feedback from my close circle that should have helped me in life to assume the right path, didn’t, cause they too themselves were messed up emotionally and mentally. Which I didn’t know back then. However, my reaction to this level of superficiality pushed me into self sabotaging behaviors with ripple effects. The results were never ending loops of failures, stress, and pain. Thank God there was my grandma. She was my only cheerleader in life. I will for always be grateful for her. But poor thing, was injured herself and needed help as well. Revolution of my country, Iran, had led all her off-springs, including her grand-kids, to be spread in Sweden and Germany. I ended up all the way in United States. She couldn’t be there always for me. We talked hours and hours over the phone yet it still was lonely and I had to make my own life experiences. But I was determined to find out how, even more since I continued to observe my own sufferings and all others around me. My grandma had thought me to believe in myself, that someday I will make it. Her sanity too was being questioned by others within my circle but I am glad my heart and brain ignored cause she was the only one who had somewhat accomplished something in life despite lacking support and continued to offer her unconditional love. So she became my role model. She was right. I searched and I found my way. Today I know that I know that law of attraction manifested my wish, to loose weight and achieve to be fit in life. It was a dream that I lived for all my life.

The journey in my opinion could have been better yet it ended up being quite lengthy because I lacked the needed support. So I resorted to gastric by-pass surgery as I was desperate. There was no other way at that time that I could have conquered anything. All my tries to do it right would fail. Now it’s clear it was destined  to happen that way. By gully, I had tried everything, including exercise, in an attempt to get it under control but I had royally failed. Since gastric by-pass had shown a fairly good chance of getting one’s hunger under control, it was my only chance to achieve a possible fit body. That’s all I ever wanted in my life. To stop lusting over food to a degree that it would replace all my emotional needs, be it good or bad. All my heart ever wanted was and still is to experience life in all it has to offer and not just focus on my miserable existence, consuming excessive food to numb my pain only to create bigger pain. A never ending cycle that was finally stopped in its track with getting my hunger under control.

It was July 2001 that I finally had my surgery. Not only is September 11th a memorable event of that year but it will be a memorable year to me because it truly changed my life for ever. To list the positive outcomes of my decision to have that surgery which was assessed as dangerous at that time, it truly curbed my hunger. I was no longer a slave to food. A sense of freedom from those ties. I also lost rapidly 100 lbs. Finally I could focus on my life again. However, I never learned to properly nourish my body to achieve true health nor a real comfortable weight. But it was something, finally! A good start.

Of course I attempted again to be disciplined and aimed to loose the other 100 lbs to reach a comfortable weight but failed AGAIN. No wonder cause I repel being disciplined in general. So I thought Weight-watcher might work as it offers flexibility. But I didn’t care to occupy my life with meetings and points. It is almost a lifestyle that I care less to adopt. Atkins was doable yet injected so much fat through my liver and gallbladder that I got sick. The gallbladder pain stopped my progress as I had to give up that diet in an effort to normalize fat. Who knows!? If my gallbladder hadn’t acted up, I would have gotten uric acid in my blood and some major inflammations!? Jenny Craig too worked initially but failed eventually for me. Each time I would lose some weight, I would gain it back and more. Another cycle that I continued to experience years after years. Yo yo effect ha ha! Yes, I too was a victim. I was getting frustrated with my inability to accomplish balance. I asked why? Challenging myself to figure it out once for all helped me to come across resources, a variety of holistic nutrition diet types, to rev up my metabolism and heal my body.

It must be listed that prior to my journey, I had tried a few retreats in Germany to learn proper lifestyle changes, including implementing soup, salad, other liquid diets, hypnosis sessions, and many other holistic things to no avail. I suppose none of these methods were a true fit to my style. But all of them helped in my journey to discover what works and what doesn’t. That’s were the saying comes in, “enjoy the journey”. Unintentionally while driving myself crazy worrying and being unhappy living a miserable life, I focused on now and was determined to make it happen. I am glad my grandma had seen that quality of curiosity in me and encouraged me to stand my ground and remain focused on what I want, rather destroying myself with the crap things that sucked in my life. That mentality that I had inherited from her and she continued to encourage was my only solace and hope to make it.  She truly was an earth angel who blessed many people’s life who crossed her path. I am forever grateful as I would be nowhere pleasant without her. I am carrying her torch and as she said well, even more blessed cause I have all other available resources to do better passing on my wisdom to all receptive people than she ever could at her times. To this date thinking of the pain and hardship she experienced just to sustain a life as a disadvantaged woman breaks my heart and brings tears to my face. If she was able to do it with her limited resources and still survived the painful life path she had to endure, then what the hell was wrong with me. It truly helped me to get it together. Too did she always pray and I would always question her sanity to pray. She would always say that God does not need us to pray to him. It is us who need the hope, calmness, and solace this practice provides. She was absolutely right. I never understood but now know that there is a God who has given us many blessings, specially in our current times, and that he wants us to do good. It is, however, our choice to utilize them effectively and strategically to accomplish anything.

So never give up on your hopes and dreams as with the right strategies and practices and endurance they are possible!

Love and Blessings ❤️



Life Lessons

These past few weeks have been rather uneasy. I am moving rather risky just because I want my life to change now! Rather immature and impatient it seems!? But sometimes it does take such a push to learn lessons and to continue to hone skills.

Partially I am upset with myself for being this impatient and causing unneeded pain and injuries; Emotionally and physically. On the other hand, however, I am proud of myself for daring as I know growth takes passion, risks, pain, and failure to achieve. Including injuries that teach one lessons rather than kill one. I think if one doesn’t learn these lessons nor applies them, life can and will go into the wrong direction.

A primary example is that I badly now want to shape up. For the past 47 years of my life I have been fat, out of control and shape, many of those years depressed, and always hoping to accomplish weight-loss, fitness, and dream of accomplishing other dreams with no avail. Another big dream that I believe many have, or hopefully have, is to live a fulfilled life in peace and experience joy, age gracefully, and pass in peace.

When MS forced me to change my lifestyle, which included diet and physical activity, in an effort to lessen my symptoms, I unknowingly lost weight. The weight-loss has boosted my self confidence and has allowed me to dream big, again. It’s magic to me.

Am I stupid to believe that I can do it if I did so many other things in my life successfully? I think not. Sometimes I feel like others don’t wish me well!? But maybe it’s me who is not wishing myself well!? Even if others don’t wish me well, I wonder why I sadden and get sick or injure myself emotionally, causing setbacks? I must realize that my happiness does not nor should depend on what others do or don’t.

If I am my best friend, why would I continue to put myself down to correlate with others? That needs to stop. I need to do my own thing. Be my own best friend. And go for what I think is the right thing to do. Which is help myself, help my immediate circle, and help a community.

Like so many nights, last night I once again was tossing and turning in bed, thinking of how I can expedite my progress as I am tired of having to work to make a little earning while I have all these big dreams and projects to do that I cannot do cause money and energy is lacking. As I have zero mojo after that strenuous mindless job that’s stressing me out and sapping all my energy away. Too paralyzed to do anything. After a few hours of tossing, I thought to myself that I should go biking which in my opinion has been a great exercise that gives me a clear head and shapes my butt : ) You see, I have all that loose skins that must be tightened up after having lost the weight and I must learn to balance myself because of my MS condition to prevent falls and walking issues later in life. So around 4 o’clock in the morning I took off to go biking. Lately I have been riding the street up east on McKellips Road, going north in a neighborhood street to McDowell Road, and rolling down west on McDowell Road on its sideboard while standing up on my bike to stretch and balance. Great exercise! However, it all went wrong today. I slipped on a rock into a rocky patch and took a very bad fall off my bike. I hit my right side of face and head on the sideboard, both my knees, and right arm and hand are injured. My right eye brow is partially gone. My right eye is swollen and is getting to be badly bruised. Right shoulder too is bruised. And I have a bad ear ringing.

However, I am still grateful that nothing broke and that I am still alive. But more importantly I learned a lesson. That I must slow down and move along strategically. This applies to physical as well as wanting the life that I want now! Yes, it is justified in my book as I have waited this long to make any progress. I have endured much heart pain and have not had the same trajectory in life as many others have had. Just being normal! But unfortunately progress requires more time and effort. Patience! Thereof I have no other choice than to accept.

These lessons are valuable and apply to all. That we must move along strategically, remain patient, never fail to learn our lessons, be humble and grateful for that what has been gifted to us, make the best out of anything, never give up to be authentic to oneself, and continue always to spread the love, regardless.

Quite a lot to remember and practice! But practice makes the master. And never forget to be grateful. These are my notes to myself today. One day I hope to write notes for others as well.

Peace and blessings ❤️