Valentine’s Day is here once again, a time to reflect on our love experience(s) in life! One either feels grateful, doubtful or lonely depending on how we evaluate. Since our mind paints the picture and is in charge of how we feel, it is only appropriate to write of my experiences on this topic to point out how our perceptions can make everything feel rosy or clouded. A great opportunity to evaluate our perception and develop awareness of what love truly is and not what we have come to believe it should look like before we can feel good.
I was under a cloud for years despite trying to keep my love alive as there was always a nagging voice that kept me feeling unfulfilled. Do yourself a favor and avoid feeling lost and confused for years to avoid feeling like a lonely goose this Valentine’s Day, if possible. Yes, it is easier said than done, but I know now that I know that it is easy if you only shift your thinking. I wished a sensible person in my life had pointed out that simple truth to me many years ago so that I could have avoided all those years of agony, confusions, feeling lonely, and stressed. Actually worst… depressed! But rather than getting clear messages to understand what true love is, I was being mislead by external and internal voices as most of us are. The root problem is complex and negative as how we all are in some sort of matrix [believe system] and continue unknowingly to keep ourselves and each other there. Life is ironic yet it has helped me to isolate myself that has given me the opportunity to think outside of the box to organize and correctly evaluate thoughts/feelings so that I can teach myself and pass them onto others. The point was, has been, and continues to be that if one learns to accept all as present with love and acts in love, one will see the blessings and feel happy. I finally did benefit from shifting and correcting my believe system to embrace all as God has given to me rather than questioning it.
Regardless of what mood you are in this Valentine’s Day, being deeply grateful for all the blessings presently existing in your life will bring love to your heart immediately. Remind yourself that your true love should be You and all your blessings. The saying “love thyself” is simple yet profound as it is the truth. Do not wait for external love to feel love in your heart. Love is all around you. Only then can you love the world and the world will love you back for shining bright. With these thoughts, here goes my ‘love’ story…
During Carnival 1985, Heinz and I first met in the city circle Sülz within Cologne on line 7 subway. He caught my eyes quickly as he was cute and yummy, dressed up almost looking like a Viking with his spiky hairs, carefully styled to stand up. He was adorable. Heinz was accompanied by his class mates. A guy named Frank who was an outspoken gay man from his group asked for my comb to tease up his hair. I quickly learned that they were all attending a party that night that I too was going to as well. Common friends introduced us and to say the least, our relationship has continued for 33 years.
Both him and I have been assessing our relationship as our only choice with our limitations and prospects based on our believe system. So destiny made us stay together for a solid 26 year ever since we sat foot here in the States. Initially my ‘happy go lucky’ attitude at that age just wanted to have fun and didn’t judge him. However, I recall I quickly started judging as I was taking into consideration many ugly voices and opinions that would leave me unhappy with my choice. I am Persian, he is German, I am adventurous, he tends to hate taking risks, I am totally into communication and evaluation while having my head into everything, he is mostly minding his business taking care of things, I am curious and he likes the known and sticks to it, and on and on and on and on. You get the picture! The list of our differences between us were too staggering to ignore. So naturally with all my being I pushed to someday get out of it once I feel ready as in my head I continued to tell myself that we are too different to make anything work. I had tried for that many years with no avail. So I thought I was clever by at least preparing myself while bitching for the leap jump. His less than expected behaviors continued to confirm to me that he was completely wrong for me and that I must get out. So I would portray that too and as law of attraction works, which is any repeated thoughts and feelings are send signals to our universe, expressing what we want, insisted in my head that I must repel him. So I finally did strategies my way out.
However, come to find out that I was so wrong! He has been the perfect match for me. After I tried to finally find peace, I discovered through deep evaluations how he has shaped me into the woman that I am today and how much I appreciate his friendship and loyalty. Compared to the men I have ran into in an effort to find proper love, he is an angel and a gentlemen with a kind heart, just not the picture perfect man as society, including me, pictures nor expects. Our separation forced me to remain focused on what has made us work rather why we haven’t. Now, I appreciate how it all transpired to our benefits even more as I know we both will be better human beings due to our personal sacrifices taken out of love, to both our dismays we did act in love. It’s pretty clear that it all happened to our benefits because knowingly or unknowingly we chose the path of love vs hate. So never underestimate the power of love. The longevity, built memories, and lessons learned as well as taught are invaluable and irreplaceable experiences of my life. So is his friendship. These are examples of our God given blessings that we ignore due to our wrong believe systems. It’s a form of displaying ungratefulness and I for one will never again fail to count and appreciate my blessings.
Too remaining with him protected me from experiencing what I am convinced I would have experienced in life if I had followed external voices [hate] vs my heart that loved him. As we know most men cannot help it than to be a natural predator always seeking to attract. The attraction is at times even forceful on vulnerable females. Their biology has equipped them to hunt for the best possible bait out there and thereof they cannot stop complying with that unless they learn to control themselves. That same mindset will eventually cause them to be bored sexually with what they have and due to their need to pursue variety in life, they unknowingly damage their village and women have even gotten more uglier at times to out beat this damaging behavior. Because of me disliking to deal with that ugliness nor caring to manage/tame it, I would have gone rogue and repelled a traditional man, woman union to embrace a non traditional lifestyle [lesbian] out of fear to be disappointed with the love men could ever offer. For years my logic would question my love for men as everything kept confirming that women are more beautiful internally than men ever could be. I had seen that so many men lusting and chasing after sex and power, abusing their resources [dogs, car, money, friends, career, looks, kids, anything to appeal] within their communities to just attend to their own need which is the natural need to conquer and remain powerful. I didn’t want to be part of that ever. Because of this discrepancy, logic [women are fairer] not meeting my desires [wanting to experience love with a man], I continued to engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Self-sabotage is the same as hating oneself. Naturally that self hate affected not only me but my community as well. I thought there is something wrong with me for repelling the idea of homosexuality and had convinced myself that I was a bad and calculated female who had no other choice than to embrace what I was being forced into embracing due to presented dynamics!? But the truth is that I always loved beautiful minds but that doesn’t necessarily needs to convince me to also sexually embrace someone with a beautiful mind. Fact remains that I could never ever engage in any sexual act with a woman. So naturally Heinz was the perfect suitor that God put on my path. Again choosing path of love with lots of agony and ups and downs all these years turns out to be a better choice in God’s eyes as he paid us back despite believing that we have been doomed and destined to live a life of agony. Interesting toss and turn.
Regretfully, that truth is still being questioned by spectators surrounding us as it has been identified by unspoken standard expectations set into place by our society and culture that a love relationship must meet certain standards in order to be assessed as normal. That’s bullshit. Always listen to your heart as it speaks love and forget about the set ugly standards. We live in times where we need to break boundaries to reach new shores to enrich our life’s. Repel anything that’s hateful no matter what standardsf are preaching! Him and I have worked out as a union indeed because of our differences and have kept each other protected in life. I am happy to testify that I am clear about my love and appreciation for all as it is today. I hope so will you as life is sweeter and easier once we stop our doubts and resistance to the truth as it is.
HAPPY VALENTIN”S DAY. Make it life changing! This year it correlates with Lent, Ash Wednesday. A great time to take on new habits and adopt new mindsets to set yourself free. May love always fill your heart and soul and not just on this day.
Love and Blessings ❤️