Category Archives: Endurance

Weight-Loss Journey

Losing weight is a top resolution for New Year and as most of us have experienced, our good intentions fade away as regular life takes over by the end of January. I have been there so many times. And what can one do besides adopting the same old standards as last year and pretending to be happy as it seems impossible to reach for an ideal outcome now. But don’t let failures stop you as giving up pursuing your goals is like never taking the first step to a journey that makes life an adventure. Do yourself a favor and remain confident that weight-loss or other feasible goals are achievable with the fitting tools and strategies. With that mindset, “where there is a will, there is a way”, I took many attempts of first steps and finally did accomplish my weight-loss goal!

My obesity started as a child. I was born fat and continued to get fatter for many reasons. To say the least, my childhood experience left me unfulfilled and thereof I would replace the missing emotional stimulation with food consumption as it offered variety and love that lacked in my world. Too did I not welcome the dismays and dysfunctions of society and my family. Their false standards pushed me to become rebellious just to refuse my compliance. In hindsight I know I was protecting myself. It took me many tries and failures to make it finally work. Almost 50 years to understand what had transpired, how the journey shaped me, and to finally achieve a comfortable weight. Having lived and experienced life as an overweight individual in this times has been quite tricky, painful, yet has enriched my life so much that I am now grateful for having had that experience in life to talk about. The wisdom gained for a hardship that I was destined to experience has been indeed a blessing in disguise. So never underestimate and dismiss the powers of your horrible experiences in life as they carry deep lessons that will make you a better person in life if you learn them to improve your game in life.

Without going into all the ugly details, my childhood upbringings led to more dysfunctional and frustrating life experiences. Years of agony caused me to balloon up to 360 pounds by age 30 . All my efforts to control my hunger or weight failed year after year. Life was getting to be unbearable with the consequences of experiencing it as an obese woman. No one really could understand nor feel the pain I was subjected to experience life in a fat-suit, specially in this narcissistic culture. I felt so alone and wanted to give up at times trying. At times my life was meaningless as the ugliness was overwhelmingly painful and I would feel worthless cause I didn’t fit in. We all pretend not to notice and at times even fail to acknowledge anyone’s existence besides our own. It’s in alignment with self-love that is being brainwashed, preached, and conditioned into us. And other times we do empathize with other people’s sufferings, yet refrain from caring cause being nosy or sticking one’s head in other people’s business is assessed as impolite. If we only take care of our own interests and are courteous and cordial, do we believe we are good. Anyone who questions that mindset, we chose to ignore and dismiss as it is unfitting. But I know that I know that it was wrong of all my surroundings to ignore my soul’s pain while growing up. As we know brain is not fully developed until age 25. All the feedback from my close circle that should have helped me in life to assume the right path, didn’t, cause they too themselves were messed up emotionally and mentally. Which I didn’t know back then. However, my reaction to this level of superficiality pushed me into self sabotaging behaviors with ripple effects. The results were never ending loops of failures, stress, and pain. Thank God there was my grandma. She was my only cheerleader in life. I will for always be grateful for her. But poor thing, was injured herself and needed help as well. Revolution of my country, Iran, had led all her off-springs, including her grand-kids, to be spread in Sweden and Germany. I ended up all the way in United States. She couldn’t be there always for me. We talked hours and hours over the phone yet it still was lonely and I had to make my own life experiences. But I was determined to find out how, even more since I continued to observe my own sufferings and all others around me. My grandma had thought me to believe in myself, that someday I will make it. Her sanity too was being questioned by others within my circle but I am glad my heart and brain ignored cause she was the only one who had somewhat accomplished something in life despite lacking support and continued to offer her unconditional love. So she became my role model. She was right. I searched and I found my way. Today I know that I know that law of attraction manifested my wish, to loose weight and achieve to be fit in life. It was a dream that I lived for all my life.

The journey in my opinion could have been better yet it ended up being quite lengthy because I lacked the needed support. So I resorted to gastric by-pass surgery as I was desperate. There was no other way at that time that I could have conquered anything. All my tries to do it right would fail. Now it’s clear it was destined  to happen that way. By gully, I had tried everything, including exercise, in an attempt to get it under control but I had royally failed. Since gastric by-pass had shown a fairly good chance of getting one’s hunger under control, it was my only chance to achieve a possible fit body. That’s all I ever wanted in my life. To stop lusting over food to a degree that it would replace all my emotional needs, be it good or bad. All my heart ever wanted was and still is to experience life in all it has to offer and not just focus on my miserable existence, consuming excessive food to numb my pain only to create bigger pain. A never ending cycle that was finally stopped in its track with getting my hunger under control.

It was July 2001 that I finally had my surgery. Not only is September 11th a memorable event of that year but it will be a memorable year to me because it truly changed my life for ever. To list the positive outcomes of my decision to have that surgery which was assessed as dangerous at that time, it truly curbed my hunger. I was no longer a slave to food. A sense of freedom from those ties. I also lost rapidly 100 lbs. Finally I could focus on my life again. However, I never learned to properly nourish my body to achieve true health nor a real comfortable weight. But it was something, finally! A good start.

Of course I attempted again to be disciplined and aimed to loose the other 100 lbs to reach a comfortable weight but failed AGAIN. No wonder cause I repel being disciplined in general. So I thought Weight-watcher might work as it offers flexibility. But I didn’t care to occupy my life with meetings and points. It is almost a lifestyle that I care less to adopt. Atkins was doable yet injected so much fat through my liver and gallbladder that I got sick. The gallbladder pain stopped my progress as I had to give up that diet in an effort to normalize fat. Who knows!? If my gallbladder hadn’t acted up, I would have gotten uric acid in my blood and some major inflammations!? Jenny Craig too worked initially but failed eventually for me. Each time I would lose some weight, I would gain it back and more. Another cycle that I continued to experience years after years. Yo yo effect ha ha! Yes, I too was a victim. I was getting frustrated with my inability to accomplish balance. I asked why? Challenging myself to figure it out once for all helped me to come across resources, a variety of holistic nutrition diet types, to rev up my metabolism and heal my body.

It must be listed that prior to my journey, I had tried a few retreats in Germany to learn proper lifestyle changes, including implementing soup, salad, other liquid diets, hypnosis sessions, and many other holistic things to no avail. I suppose none of these methods were a true fit to my style. But all of them helped in my journey to discover what works and what doesn’t. That’s were the saying comes in, “enjoy the journey”. Unintentionally while driving myself crazy worrying and being unhappy living a miserable life, I focused on now and was determined to make it happen. I am glad my grandma had seen that quality of curiosity in me and encouraged me to stand my ground and remain focused on what I want, rather destroying myself with the crap things that sucked in my life. That mentality that I had inherited from her and she continued to encourage was my only solace and hope to make it.  She truly was an earth angel who blessed many people’s life who crossed her path. I am forever grateful as I would be nowhere pleasant without her. I am carrying her torch and as she said well, even more blessed cause I have all other available resources to do better passing on my wisdom to all receptive people than she ever could at her times. To this date thinking of the pain and hardship she experienced just to sustain a life as a disadvantaged woman breaks my heart and brings tears to my face. If she was able to do it with her limited resources and still survived the painful life path she had to endure, then what the hell was wrong with me. It truly helped me to get it together. Too did she always pray and I would always question her sanity to pray. She would always say that God does not need us to pray to him. It is us who need the hope, calmness, and solace this practice provides. She was absolutely right. I never understood but now know that there is a God who has given us many blessings, specially in our current times, and that he wants us to do good. It is, however, our choice to utilize them effectively and strategically to accomplish anything.

So never give up on your hopes and dreams as with the right strategies and practices and endurance they are possible!

Love and Blessings ❤️



Adversity Deepens & Beautifies

It is the truth! We all get pissed off once life gets to be too complex. Yet it is learning to navigate all its transpired circumstances. Do it with poise and grace and learn your lessons to break through. Beside of feeling proud of yourself, figuring out how to solve issues, truly deepens and beautifies your soul and appreciation for life. I know it cause I used to bitch and moan at all that wasn’t right in my life. However, once I learned that circumstances are as they are and that it is my job to hash them out and/or attempt to solve them, did I seek to educate myself to make it. Another confirmation is almost everyone has a reaction to the new, changed me. I continued to be puzzled as to why. Now I know that it is the beauty of my soul. Both reactions were puzzling and disturbing at times. Truly challenging. I finally know, however, the answer. It is a repeated issue in our society that continues to interfere with our progress and greatness. As we know there are many greats out there who manage to do everything right. A prime example of our times is Oprah. We all wished we had a life like her but are unaware of how much tear and blood work it must have been and still is for her to make it and/or manage it. Yet we righteously have our opinions and reasons as to why good things don’t nor can or should happen to us. Yet the fact is those who rise, take on a lot of pain and work onto themselves and are deserving of that lifestyle.Work starts with you. You can shine, always. All of us have given gifts. Use them!

Adversities are opportunities to evolve and rise!

Those who choose to remain negative, resent their past, recognize their inability to reach up to their likings will either repel someone like Oprah who rubs it in their face or even cause conflicts to justify themselves. There are other conditions that lead to negative reactions. All of them are driven from behavioral limitations or impairments. However, endure the pain of leaving a less than successful tribe behind in pursuit of happiness. As much as it is painful, do not be enticed to remain in your charted territory as discovering uncharted land is so worth it. Remember that we all have what we need to succeed. And if you continue to fail, then you are not doing something right. Those who assess and judge you correctly will evolve with you to move on while all those who should not play a role in your life will fall out. I used to continue to fail because of my own assessments and judgements; All is a believe system that’s impairing you and life. Adopt one that enhances your life.

I know how painful it is but I always felt like growth is in pain and thereof I never ever shied away from challenges. The sooner you are up for the challenge of change, the sooner you will come to live your life to it fullest potential. Now I actually seek them out to expedite my progress.The bonus point is that the deepening of your soul, beautifies you [‘Beauty starts within’] and your life. Everyone would want that. So next time you face adversity, get curious as how it can be solved rather than find reasons to justify your limiting choices. It is life changing. Remember life is complex. Yet it is your job to find all that beautifies it.

Love and Blessings ❤️


Letter to All Sourpusses and Haters

Today I felt sorry for all you sourpusses and haters. I know you exist because I have continued to run into you. Throughout my relationships, friendships, all my jobs, my childhood, and most of my interactions. Basically my entire life. I have been portrayed as many things. It’s mind boggling. I have been called sick, delusional, fake, crazy, imaginative, too convinced of myself, outlandish, overbearing, lazy, too expectant, and many more labels that I prefer not to think of. Additional passive aggressive behaviors are other attributes offered by sourpusses and haters. live

Today I decided that I don’t care how those who assess me as such see it anymore. Sorry you live such a miserable life. Most important for me, however, is how I see it. Live and let live. I kind of suspect why you continue to argue to keep me around!? Please know that I greatly appreciate the constructive criticism in between all the intentional or unintentional abuses and insults. However, I honestly could care less how you think my present and/or future should be. I know who I am and how I want/need to roll. Thank you very much.

Again live and let live. If you decide to live an authentic life too, then you too are/will experience bliss on your level. I wish you all the best and much fun with all my heart.

Note to self: stand up for yourself! Yeah ME!

Peace and Blessings❤️


One Plan vs. Multiples

Quite often have I heard that focusing and working toward one life plan is the best strategy. Not necessarily. What has worked for me is having had multiple life options.  This strategy has strengthened me and has always elevated my life. If plan A doesn’t pan out, then there is a plan B, C, D, E, and so forth. You get the picture.

Let your Faith be bigger than your Fears

More than anything, have faith!

If circumstances don’t happen according to your liking or plan(s) in life, they were not meant to be. This could be a job, a friendship, a marriage, a business, or so many other circumstances. It’s OK. You tried it and had hopefully fun and now you know it was not meant to be. Move on. There are many skills and analogies you learned . Those are your valuables to take forever from any life circumstance. Be thankful. Always dare to do what it takes to try your options and again if things don’t workout and you perceive any project as a failure, learn your lessons, count your blessings, peacefully move on, and do it better the next time!? That philosophy has always propelled me in life.

Note to self: practice makes the master. If we only continue practicing, one day we will master it.  It’d be exciting to learn how to always live in the moment, appreciate life, enjoy the journey, and be happy.

Peace and Blessings❤️


Love Lives Forever


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The death of our dog Sophie was one of the many painful experiences of my life thus far. But she made her exit so graceful and spiritual. It all went fast. Diagnosed 6/15/16 and resting in peace since 6/20/16. The eerie coincident was that she started getting sick a few days after my bike fall. As if life couldn’t get worst. Initially I thought she had eaten something that upset her stomach. Within a few days, her tummy blew up and was hard to the touch. Her appetite too had gone down, she was moving slower, and vomited a few times. I thought maybe she was constipated and because of that toxic waste sitting in her intestine, she was feeling sluggish. Too was the triple digit temperature weather not helping. We continued watching her bathroom habits. She would go but only poop a tiny bit. But there were no signs of dehydration. She also would continue struggling to push out drops of water. After watching her for 3 days being in the same state, I decided to take her to vet for x-ray and exam. It was Wednesday 6/15/16.

The vet said the words that I never wanted to hear even before x-ray. That he was confident that Sophie has been carrying a cancerous tumor that aggressively blew up within a few weeks in her stomach. He said it could be sitting on the spleen or the liver. We could attempt to do a surgery to take the mass out. Yet he said such a procedure would be invasive emotionally and physically to the dog. It would dent our pocket and might extend her life for a few months, in 15% to 20% of all cases that he has seen in his 27 years of work with animals.

Sophie 5/7/07 - 6/20/16
Sophie 5/7/07 – 6/20/16

Tears started flowing. Yet, both dogs were calm. Which was unusual. Normally they would  both be nervous and panting. My mind started racing. I wanted to do the right thing. Mostly I wanted to be there for Sophie and Gia so that they knew there was nothing to fear in life. That I love them and even in transition will remain strong or maybe even conquer this with them. The doctor highlighted that he would absolutely respect if I put the dog down. In hindsight I know he meant it well. However, at that moment it was upsetting and unimaginable. I told him that I need to sleep over it. As I was not going to blindly take this verdict and immediately decide what to do next. I owed it to me and my friend. I could not just decide that she needs to go. What if she is curable and/or it is not yet time for her to go. At home I kept thinking that Sophie was going to miraculously heal and be her old self some day soon. I researched the net, wrote my questions down, and decided that I was going to get a second opinion the next day. Yet she kept getting weaker and weaker and I could feel that it was best to accept reality and not to drag it on until I felt emotionally ready. The last thing I would ever want is my beautiful dog that has been a true friend for 9 years to suffer to please myself. And I could tell she was badly trying to still please me. With her wags, her attempts to eat, to go for walks, to greet visitors, follow me upstairs to watch me work, and some other cutesy demeanor, despite lacking the energy. After speaking to the doctor for the second time, having read all the research, and closely monitoring Sophie’s status, I decided to let her go in peace and in good spirit. Her in-home euthanasia was tentatively scheduled for Monday 6/20/16, between 4 – 5 in the afternoon. This date ended up happening.

We celebrated her life while keeping her hydrated, fed, and comfortable, secretly hoping for a miracle. Yet determined to keep up her spirit and body in the most best possible shape. It was a nice time as we built lots of good final memories with our dog.

Meanwhile I continued to feel guilty because Sophie has always been fixated on me. Whenever I would feel emotionally beaten, she would jump on my lap, lick my face, and cuddle. Or if I would be agitated or speak fast and loud, she would be hiding and be stressed out. Poor thing! It also didn’t help that my mother would claim that bad energies that were meant to harm me on my bike fall, transferred to Sophie. Some superstitious believes that she has picked up from her Persian culture. Subconsciously she has conveyed to me that it is so and I must be grateful that it bypassed me, into my Sophie. Really!!?

It was Sunday morning. Sophie, Gia, and I went up. While they laid in their usual place on the recliner chair, I was mindlessly looking through all my papers. I discovered a few local magazines that I had picked up in a doctor office or maybe some holistic supermarket a year earlier. At the end of one of them, there was an ad for Critter Doc, Andrea Sobotka. She caught my attention. I further researched her site and decided to send her an email about Sophie’s situation. I truly needed a spiritual soul to confirm that Sophie is indeed transitioning. And I also needed to know if it’s my fault as my mother had insinuated. She replied within hours and she happened to have time on Monday. What a blessing. Andrea was kind enough to put us at ease with feeling Sophie’s low energy and validating that she was indeed ready to leave this phase behind. Much more importantly she put me at ease by telling me that the dog has chosen me and is very happy with the love that we have exchanged and is not afraid to transition. She applauded our ability to accept reality and allow her to go in peace. That love lives forever ❤️Love Infinity

Her transition was one of the most beautiful, spiritual Picture of Sophie and Gia with meexperiences that I ever have had. For days, we closely cuddled lots, smelled lavender oil, sat and laid with powerful crystals, ate grilled chicken and steak together, kissed her belly lots, and adored her shinny fur and beautiful soul, captured moments in pictures and videos, told her that it’s OK to transition, and thanked her for her friendship.

Per Andrea, Sophie had chosen to stay around as spirit for a while after her transition. Call me crazy, but I feel her presence once in a while around. Sophie used to growl and intimidate Gia when she would get too close to me and take her place. Gia still gets up, acts like she’s seen a ghost, and moves away. Just like back in the days! As scary as it sounds, it is comforting to know that she loved us enough to want to stick around. Not sure if there is such a thing!?

Reading other peoples’ experiences with such a transition does help a lot as well. Read this blog post from the gifted Sarah Petruno. Another comforting activity is to recall and view memories that have gathered overtime. These activities include: recalling events, watching movies and pictures. And not to forget the support of a loving community is healing that I am very thankful for. We received many sympathy cards and FB posts. Thank you all for your kind words.

Her spirit will forever last in our hearts and in our home.

Let’s never fail to form lasting memories in life while we can and always trust that love lives forever, making pain a temporary life phase that will pass.

Peace and Blessing ❤️



Human Suffering

Presently I feel so vulnerable and hurt in my life because of my bike accident last week. My MS symptoms have gotten worse ever since. Legs below my knees feel numb. Left leg overall is stiff. I am clumsy and have no coordination. Yesterday and the day before my eyes suddenly started to burn and water as I was working. Since I had to cease work, wage loss and financial burdens are causes for even more stress in my life! As if an injury is not bad enough. Exercise activities, biking, dancing, and occasional yoga poses, too are out of the picture. So no stress reduction and balance forming activities for me for a while. Great! I have gained 6 pounds.


Naturally I am depressed and can only pray that this time passes too as I have no one who will take care of me if I am not strong enough to take care of myself. Sad to say but it is the truth.

This made me think of my dad. He was all alone by himself when he got hit by a car while he was walking on the sideboard. The driver had epilepsy. He experienced an episode while driving and hit my dad. He must have been in excruciating pain while both his legs were broken in a cast. It took 6 months for him to heal. And none of us were around to help emotionally nor physically.

That’s when I realized that human strength is amazing. What a patience and endurance. All of those who have suffered due tragic circumstances in life and have still come up on top. The most interesting thing that happened to me was that I came across Marie Forleo’s latest blog post. It included Marianne Williamson‘s interview that introduced me to Tears to Triumph: The Spiritual Journey from Suffering to Enlightenment book. I downloaded as an audiobook. This book validated my feelings and has been an affirmation. She too talks of human suffering and how it forms our character and belongs to humanity. All experiences bad or good are lessons to learn from.

The book gave me the hope that I too can come out of this experience stronger! So did so many valuable people in life. That’s why humanity has prevailed and advanced. Remember that through good and bad. Always remain positive and be grateful for all that is. And don’t fail to learn your lesson(s). These are my notes to myself today. May others too know that they are not alone.

Peace and Blessing ❤️